I broke my blog!

So yeah, this is how my morning started out!  Yesterday, late afternoon I added ad spaces to my blog- and then, feeling pretty tech, I went and updated some plugins and moved things around on the sidebar.  I faithfully clicked the home button after each change to make sure I didn't break my blog.  But, ahem, I didn't take in the fact that I was logged into my account and so might be able to see things the world couldn't.  I did notice my day's stats were about 1/3 lower than usual...

And then, I woke up in the morning and found a tweet from lovely blog-friend Theresa asking me if I had changed my blog to private. I then found several emails asking the same.  I checked my blog from my iphone...blank.

Insert panicked searching and brave attempts to not cry.

Yes, I broke my blog.

Fortunately, it took me a bit less than an hour to figure out the problem.  I started first with the panicked assumption that I had been hacked, but no, all was well.  Turns out it was a plugin I had updated and never should have activated.

The toll was less then an hour's work, 3 pumpkin chocolate chip muffins and 1 diet coke.

Blogging can be scary for the non-computer-literate.

Missing

There is a photo sitting in the place of honor on my mantel.  It's the photo I would love to have: A photo of my mom, looking kind of happy, when I am older than 8, not drunk, not looking put-out, not awkwardly trying to look away from the camera, not pissed, not putting me on her -list, looking companionable and physically touching her daughter.

But, I'm not in that photo- this treasure of a photo on my mantel is of my mom and my sister right before my sister's wedding.  It's the best I've got, so place of honor it sits.

My mom had a narcissist thing going, but it was overshadowed the last decade by her alcoholism.  When she died this Summer, so many things were missing.  My sister and I went through boxes of photos: supposedly for her memorial video, but- I was trying to find evidence that she did love us.  Somewhere, decades back, in the photos of a happy, normal childhood I would find photographic proof that she loved us, that she touched us, that she enjoyed us.  You can't take care of chubby toddlers and not love them, hug them, kiss them, right?

I think I found what I needed.  Here's one of the best I have, I'm maybe nine years old and I'm talking to her and she is paying attention to me.

She paid attention, once upon a time.  I don't really remember, but it must be there. It is here at least, captured.  No matter what came after. I have this moment.

I miss what should have been

I miss the good memories and warm feelings that were with-held from me

I miss the chance of things ever getting better

I miss the songs that I chose for her memorial video that I can't listen to without crying now.

I miss the right thing to say to my sister who is just now re-surfacing from depression over mom's death.

we tip-toe over the missing parts

I miss her, the mom I think I remember from childhood.  I miss who she should have been.

She could have been amazing.

There is a photo on my mantel, and it reminds me of what I'm missing.

Ready for my close-up ~ Wordless Wednesday

The Coca-Cola Polar Bear gets ready for his close-up

Happy [not so] Wordless Wednesday!

7 Quick Takes -Tedx edition

~1~

I was invited to attend TEDx Orange Coast at Segerstrom Center of the Arts.  I could bring a friend, so my best friend, Sky went with me.

TED stands for Technology, Entertainment and Design.  There are two big 4- day TED conferences each year, and then there are smaller, locally planned, 1 day conferences called TEDx.  TED  brings together the world's most fascinating thinkers and doers, who are challenged to give the talk of their lives (in 18 minutes or less). TEDx does the same, but in a local venue, organized by local people. The theme this year was: Redefining Relevance.

The photo above is is Jazz musician Ray Goren who is 12 years old.  Wow.

~2~

Our introduction to TED was through Ted Talks online.  Ted Talks are a way to share what TED is, a way to share the world's most inspiring voices.  Sky found TED talks online, and would come home and share them with me and the kids.   I didn't know how it would all work when we got to TEDx, I thought we would move around and pick the talks we were interested in.  Instead, everyone went to the main concert hall and each speaker followed each other with a few breaks in between.  It was like listening to a college professor lecture,  a lecture where the speaker was sharing their biggest passion to you.  It was very easy to listen to, and easy to capture the inspiration.

The sign we are standing next to above was made by Ryan McCann, retired quarterback for the UCLA Bruins.  He makes art using fire. His wooden portrait "Coach" can be seen at the UCLA Hall of Fame.

~3~

My favorite speaker was Jack Andraka, a 15-year-old high school student who invented an accurate and inexpensive test for early detection of pancreatic, ovarian, and lung cancers.  He began searching for a way to test for pancreatic cancer after loved ones died of the disease.  He decided to find away to test for a certain protein and then had to research through thousands of protein to find a likely candidate.  Next, once he found his protein and researched a way to test for it, he had to convince University professors to lend him a lab.  It all sounded impossible, but he did it.  He had this message for teens on facebook:  "We don't want to see your duck-face photos, instead, you can be changing the world or curing pancreatic cancer."

~4~

The lovely ladies/beekeepers from Backyard Bees had a table in the lobby.  They make and sell honey products, rescue/remove/re-home bee hives and manage hives.  Sky has a big interest in keeping bees, but our lovely, golden neighbor is allergic to bees, so we don't have a hive.  Maybe someday. Did I mention that they are local?  One of the ladies lives in my neighborhood.  :)

~5~

Other favorite speakers:

*Nigel Nisbet.  A Mathematics teacher from England.  Moving to the U.S. and teaching his first highschool class here was a bit of a negative revelation.  He finally had success with a bar of chocolate...{he had my attention there!}  He moved into challenging his students to think about something they can touch, feel, and smell.  He had such success in the classroom that he became the Mathematics Specialist for LAUSD; instructing other teachers how to teach Math effectively.  From there he moved on to the nonprofit MIND research Institute.  He is working on using a computer game that is fun, engaging, visual and interactive to teach students Math.  The game looked good- I'm hoping for a homeschool version someday :)

He spoke about teaching students effectively, teaching them to think in Math.  The hands-on aspect of his talk spoke to this homeschool mom.  I hunted him down afterwards and tried to put in a pitch for smart, determined homeschool moms everywhere.

*Lara Lee, named a "Master of Innovation" by BusinessWeek...smart, positive woman.  She said "Channel your fear. If you want to change directions, you need to lean into it."  She was referencing riding a motorcycle and how you have to lean into the turns, and how the faster you are going, the more you have to lean...which can be really scary at first.

*Pascal Finette,  he talked about Chaord: Chaos and Organization.  He said to participate in the culture, and not be only a consumer, but a producer.  "It is those who participate that will create change."  He also said, "Let go of something to make room for something."  He said a lot more that I wrote down, but I'll stop now...hopefully soon I will be able to link to their recorded talks.

*Reggie Littlejohn, former high-power attorney who now leads the fight in combating abortion, gendercide and sex trafficking in China. She represents Chinese refugees in their political asylum cases and is President of Women's Rights without Frontiers.  She is actively working to change things for women in China.

~6~

Mike Kenyon from Free Wheelchair Mission spoke.  They provide wheelchairs for the disabled poor in the developing world. He spoke about being on a mission trip with his church and realizing that the disabled were totally invisible in poor countries because the could not move about and were often left alone in small, dark homes or even laying out on the streets.  In his talk, he said, to "focus on one need, one issue" and "go out there and make a difference because out there is someone who needs you." I had the chance to talk to a representative of Free Wheelchair Mission and learned about how they make and ship the wheelchairs.  They are really ingenious.  The seats come off, and are like regular backyard plastic chairs, except thicker and stronger.  The rest of the wheelchair comes apart and is shipped in flat boxes.  The wheels are bicycle wheels, better suited to rough/uneven terrain and easy to fix or replace.  There is a bicycle pump on the back and a patch kit for easy repairs.  They also have a second model for children that is more adjustable.  This mission really spoke to my heart because my stepmother has to use a wheelchair most of the time now.  Her wheelchair is electric and very well-made and very much a necessity.  I can't imagine not having access to a good wheelchair like so many of the disabled in poor countries.  I think this is a charity well worth giving to.

~7~

All in all, it was an amazing day.  It was one of those experiences where your sleepy brain wakes up and comes to attention.  I haven't felt so challenged and stimulated to go out and be part of the change since I was in college.  As an adult with a full life of family and duties and cares...it's kind of easy to get into a comfortable routine.  I liked how TEDx challenged me to think deeply about things I hadn't really thought a lot about.  I hope we can attend next year.

*7 Quick Takes is hosted every Friday over at Conversion Diary. Click over to join up!

Sharing our stories on the internet: transparency vs. privacy

My blog life presents a bit of a conundrum for me.  It's a web- log;  a diary of my days, a diary of my thoughts, a diary of my feelings.  And yet, my blog is out there on the public internet and people I've never met and never will meet, visit and read my thoughts.  So, yes, it is a diary of my feelings but it is also a public airing of those feelings.  How much is too much when sharing online?  Should I hesitate to write experiences that put others around me in a bad light?  Is it fair?  Is it right?  What if sharing my experiences help others facing the same sorts of problems?  I think for women with a conscience too big, too sensitive- it’s a bit hard to step out and tell the tales you’ve been conditioned all your life to not speak of. This post by Catherine Connors resonated with me, and got me thinking hard about how open to be with my blogging:

I bad mouthed my Mother-in-Law on a blog-then she found out By Catherine Connors on Lemondrop.com

Yikes!  Her words spoke truth to me, made me think more about transparency vs. discretion; my truth vs. fairness.   Mostly, I was glad it wasn’t me…

*I'm also going to take a moment here to say that Sky's mother is wonderful, no complaints.  (really, truly- we lived across the street from Sky's parents for almost 10 years, and I would do it again in a heartbeat).

Catherine Connors vented online about a family member, she tried to hide it a bit by not putting it on her own blog, but she did sign her name to it..a mistake, in hindsight.  When it was found, sometime later, she had to do some serious apologizing.  Still, she also had this to say:

“But I also said this: that I wasn’t sorry that I had written it in the first place. I wasn’t sorry, I said, because I believed — and still do — very firmly in the importance of women sharing these kinds of stories, these difficult stories that we are so often told not to tell, not to share. How would I, a new mom struggling with depression, fighting through that depression to find her place in her expanding family, know that I was not alone in that experience if other women were not telling those stories?….  How would I know that it is not just me, if we never told these stories, if we kept them hidden behind the heavy curtain of familial privacy, inside the quiet domain of the private sphere?”

“… my obligations to my family do not extend to fully silencing myself, I don’t think. Because if we accept this as one of our duties, as women, to family — to keep quiet, to be silent on all matters concerning family — then we condemn ourselves to remaining behind the veil, our voices unheard, our stories untold, our world — or that portion of our world, large or small, that is the world of family — forever cut off from the public sphere. And that hurts us, I think.”

I agree with her words, as part of a greater community of women, I do think that sharing our stories can uplift, teach, and even rescue other women. I reject a worldview where women are seen and not heard, hidden, even if only figuratively, behind a veil.  I do believe that sharing our experiences and trials can help other women realize that they are not alone in their circumstances- and that sometimes, not feeling totally alone can inspire courage.

And yet, ...and yet, my stories are not usually just about me, but involve my family, my loved ones, my friends.  My hand pulls back from the keys because I know that every story has two sides and more than one point of view.  There is a stigma about airing family dirty laundry to the world.

and yet...and yet, I don't want to feel alone in my struggles.  I know, from personal experience, that being isolated during times of personal crisis can be debilitating.  We are intensely social creatures, being surrounded by a sisterhood that cares and understands and maybe, even, have walked in my shoes can make all the difference.

How do you feel about transparency vs. privacy in blogging?  Do you let it all hang out or are there some topics off-limits?  Do you use your kids’ names on your blog? Is sharing of family drama a traitorous act?  Do you enjoy more the blogs that spill it all out and shock a little?  Or do you avoid those?

Your thoughts?

p.s. if this post looks a little familiar, I published a different version of this a few years ago elsewhere

Extra Credit for Homeschool Parents -guest post

Some homeschool parents need to focus on completing the basics during their children’'s high school years, because that’ is all they can handle.  Other parents are anxious to do it all, and ready for extra credit!  If you are comfortable with homeschooling high school and want to learn more, here are some things you can begin to focus on now, during your student’s early years of high school.  Sophomore year is a great time to make sure you understand about high school tests. Now is the time to ask yourself, which test is better for my child, the SAT or the ACT?” It'’s very easy to obtain a sample test for the SAT and ACT on the College Board website www.collegeboard.com. 

Have your student take a sample of each test, in your home, and then just compare the scores and see which one your child scored better on. It’'s as easy as that and nobody but you will ever know the results.  Once you’'ve determined which test is best, begin studying for the SAT or ACT. Sophomore year is a good time to start studying, although you don'’t want to be really intense, or to stress your child out. Usually if parents are ready to go beyond the basics, so are the children.   Sophomore year is also a good time for your child to take subject tests, like the SAT subject test or AP subject tests, if those are necessary for your child. Some colleges require them, and it can be difficult to cover them all in senior year, so it’s much easier to do a couple every year.  Sophomore year is a good time to be thinking about college, and college financing. Your child can start writing essays to apply for scholarships, and you can use those essays in your writing plan for the year for English credit.  Sophomore year is a good time to get a jump on what kind of colleges you’ are interested in. If possible, take your Sophomore to a college fair. Visiting colleges is a really good idea during Sophomore year as well. Spend some time reading college catalogs and figuring out all the details about finding a college. Think about what colleges want from homeschooled children, and ask the representatives at the college fairs.  Sometimes they'’ll have real opinions and say, “from homeschooled children, we really prefer the ACT instead of the SAT.” This is important information to learn.

Lee Binz is a homeschooling expert and the founder of Thehomescholar.com. She successfully homeschooled her two sons and currently helps many parents in homeschooling their kids. She specializes in helping parents homeschool high school.

Notes from the trenches

So many things going through my mind, where to start?

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Well, first up: Demi-Sky is starting Lacrosse next month.  He is pretty lonely now that Teddy is no longer schooling with us.  He played inline-skate hockey a few years ago and has cousins who play ice-hockey...but we were not inclined in that direction first because it can be an expensive sport and second because it involves a lot of driving to practices and games.  Lacrosse looks a lot like hockey, but it is on a field, which there are a lot more of around here, so we figured the cost would be lower.  It does seem to be that way, so far.  We have him on a club team and the price was doable.  Big bonus, the practice field is only 15 minutes from us.

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Next, we are considering having Demi-Sky try out for a local magnet charter school for 9th grade, which is two years away.  This is a whole world-view game shift for us, our kids have always homeschooled.  We are really struggling with Demi right now, and I think he would benefit from more structure and purpose-driven day than I, as the Bridget Jones-homeschool-mom can give him.  We are talking about it now, because we will actually have to apply winter of next school year- and I was hoping that he would apply himself more whole-heartedly to his schooling and music if he had this goal in front of him.  And yeah, we are seeing better effort by him already.

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Related to Demi's possible school change: we are dropping Math-U-See for Math, and using Horizon's Math as our main Math curriculum and possible adding something else to it. (for the 2 youngers, the highschoolers love M-U-S and are using it for Algebra II and Geometry)  As much as the kids loved Math U See, and I loved it because they did- it wasn't doing us any favors.  The younger kids don't test well on the standardized tests each year, and the levels don't match regular school levels.  I knew all this, but figured it would work itself out by high school, and beside, we weren't planning on ever stopping homeschooling.  But, I am seeing, there is always the possibility of a bend in the road that you didn't anticipate.  I regret now, not keeping my kids up to regular grade levels.  Luckily, Sky is a Civil Engineer and loves Math, (and is not a softy/pushover like me) so I have turned him loose on the kids.  They will be eating and sleeping Math the rest of the year...

**********

I just finished up round one of the dreaded "Key Assignments" the charter school we homeschool through assigns our highschoolers to do.  It's not fun at all, and a big pain, frankly.  I have mulled over pulling out because of these.  And yet, now that I will be needing report cards and a transcript from a WASC accredited school, I kind of see the point of all the hoops to prove a certain level of learning.  It was still a lot of extra work outside of our normal work, though, specially considering that most of the assignments did not line up to our scope and sequence for the year.  Meg's Chemistry assignment was a chapter she hasn't gotten to yet.  I had to read it, have her read it, then I had to explain it to her so she could then go on to complete the assignment.  Fun. Josie's assignment for history was a good one, but involved comparing the American and French Revolutions (great subject!) but she is still reviewing ancient History right now in her World History course.  Sky wondered out loud why the school doesn't let the homeschool moms come up with their own assignments, and I guessed that they probably did at one point, but I also guess that if they did, not many moms would have done them.  We are just so busy most of the time, I wouldn't have done it.  We are kind of like herding cats, we homeschool moms, sometimes...

***********

Sky and I went to Ted Talks Orange Coast, it's written like this:  TedX....I'm not sure why...anyways, I 'll be doing a post on it, but wow- it was incredible!  Ted Talks as I knew them, are these short, intelligent, informative lectures you can find online, given by very intelligent people who are absolutely passionate about their topic.  Sky finds interesting ones and then shares them at home with me and the kids.  One of the Myth-Busters guys even did one.  So, I was invited to attend the Orange Coast edition this year, and wow!  Double wow!

***********

Oil-pulling.  I'm about to try this for better dental health.  Here's a link that describes what it does really well.} Oil Pulling for Detoxing?  Sky is looking at me like I'm nuts.  I'm also taking Cod Liver Oil (which I've done before but quit because I was dieting) and Butter Oil together.  The butter oil helps your body absorb the vitamins in the cod liver oil more effectively.  I'm still kind of freaking at deliberately consuming a teaspoon each of two oils every morning, it really goes against what I've always been told about weight and fat.  I'll report back.

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I'm going to the Diet Coke mother ship next week.  Yes, my close friends would say that of course it was inevitable that I would sojourn to this place.   :)

Seriously, I am attending the Conversations with Coca- Cola social media conference in Atlanta.  Coca-Cola is kindly, graciously, like a fairy-godmother: sponsoring me for this trip.  I am really excited, I have never been to Atlanta before. Did I mention diet coke??  :D

So, reasons all above why I've been a little absent lately. So much going on here!

How 'bout you, bloggy friends?  How is Fall treating you?  How is school?

notes from the cool side

Today was to be an unusual scorcher of a day here in Orange County.  This could only mean one thing, Beach Day!!

We took off to our favorite beach, to meet our cousins and stay cool, enjoy the sunshine, enjoy the company.   It was a beautiful day at the beach.

There are no longer life guards on duty, at one point I went for a bathroom break.  When I came back, I noticed a lifeguard jeep out by the water- and then I watched as it slowly left.  I asked my sister-in-law if there was  a reason they came out?  S-I-L replied back that they had to tell some boys on boards to get away from the rocks.  I answered with a lazy, "oh".  A few seconds went by, and then I said..."um, our boys are the only people on boards in the area..."  S-I-L sat up really quick, surprise and mortification on her face, and she said  "you're right!"  my last comment was a scandalized ...."my, my, now WHERE were their mothers??!!"  Yeah, our boys were the trouble makers and S-I-L didn't even register it.

**********

We are looking for a sport for Demi-Sky.  Now that Teddy is no longer schooling with us, we kind of feel like he needs some kind of physical activity that involves team work with other boys.  I think we've narrowed it down to lacrosse.  I found a website for our county, but I was having difficulty contacting the coaches for the two teams near us, so we decided to try a club team a little further away.  We figured that "club" means more expensive, but the price I found was steep, but not impossible.  The other teams I looked at did not have any pricing information available...sigh, you think in the age of handy-dandy websites it would be easier to find all the information you need.

Anyways, in typical Jen-fashion  (in which everything takes longer than is should and is more complicated then it should be and the end result is always un-finished....) I decided to go ahead and sign up for the club team, even though I still felt a bit in the dark about when practices were, and where...but today was the first day for sign ups and they were running a discount if you signed up today...so I went through the very long and involved process of signing him onto the team- and then had to go through the long and involved process of getting him a US membership so we could finish signing him up for the team...and then I got to the check-out page and the price was more than twice what had been stated on the website!!  It listed a really steep late sign-up fee... I think it was a typo someone did, late fees start next month.  Yeah, so I left a phone message and an email and yeah, we are in limbo now with this.  Ugh.

On the bright side, now the kind of steep fee doesn't seem so steep after seeing it doubled!!  I guess we will kind of feel like we got it on sale, if they straighten this out and go back to the first fee listed!

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Dr. Who.  Wow, "Angels take Manhattan"  was anyone else a blubbering, upset mess when it finished?  A real and satisfying end for the Ponds, but emotionally hard.

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I'm on another Grace Livingston Hill run.  She was this Christian writer that wrote in the 1930's and 1940's.  They are a fun lunch read.  I collect her original hardback editions.  She wrote over 100 books, and I think I have read almost all of them (I used to work in a Christian book store when I was in High School and College-a perk, I could borrow books!) but I only own maybe 20 of the hardbacks.  I re-read them over and over.  Always with lunch or a snack, they make me hungry.  She lived through the depression and so, I theorize, she appreciated really good food- and took pains to describe delicious, dainty lunches.  She also hated flappers and abhorred girls who smoked.  I love how a scandalous vamp will often show up in the story.

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I tried these dairy- free, oil-free pumpkin muffins Sunday night.  I had to add chocolate chips though.  I guess they weren't dairy-free after that... They were pretty good, Sky was not real convinced, the texture was a bit different because of the apple sauce used instead of oil.  I think it was an okay trade-off for a healthier muffin.  (whisper, except for the chocolate chips)  the kids and the Bible college boys gobbled them up.  }We've always looked forward to making the Trader Joe's pumpkin muffins, but I really thought they were too oily.

*Here's the recipe from S.B. Creatively blog.  (found on pinterest!)

So, bloggy friends, how's the weather where you are?  Make me believe it is really Fall somewhere!!  Any comfy Fall recipes to share?